I'm sitting in a crisis respite.
This is my last night here.
I came here because I was rolling around on the ground of my living room floor, unable to get myself to go to work and contemplating if my vow to never actually kill myself would hold true.
I've been incredibly overwhelmed.
What's hard to know is that I really don't know what to do when I feel like I'm going to die. Often when I'm in that place, I'm so distraught that making decisions feels impossible. I just want someone to stand in front of me and say, lift arms, grab clothes, put them in laundry, go for a walk, right foot, left foot, you got this... And tell me, just survive this moment, things are changing constantly. Just get through right now, you won't always be suffering this much, you won't have to bear this much pain all the time. I want someone to sit near me, not expect me to talk. I want them to talk to me sometimes, though.
So once this woman, during an inpatient stay many years ago- told me, don't come to the ER if you're suicidal, we can't help you. She was right in a lot of ways- no one can save me from my thoughts or actions except myself. At the same time, this worries me that I will feel like I don't have options if I truly am unsure if I'm able to keep myself alive. I just don't know - this statement really upset me and makes me worried that my future-self will replay this message and convince myself that I have no options.
I'm facing a potential lupus diagnosis and I've been waiting to find the official diagnosis for months. Literally two months at this point, I think. I've been really sick a lot. It's ironic that part of me wanted to die and the other part of me wants to live so badly that I'm considering dying because the pain of living through this uncertainty is killing me.
Systems are so broken in America. So broken that it actually hurts my chest when I think about it too much.
I really like the Hozier band.
Something that scares me is that I can't picture myself as an older adult. I've considered this question around gender- wondering if I picture myself growing up to be an old man, woman, neither, both? The thing is, I can't picture myself old. Maybe I'm only here to live a short life, but on some level I hope not. There's still so much I want to do.
My job presents an ethical dilemma.
I've been having an interesting experience. I think since I realized that "depressed" and "manic" and "bipolar" and "borderline" will always be questions in the back of my brain. But, since I'm not totally convinced they're real things, it's giving me room to explore what I'm really going through. So lately, for instance, I'm feeling withdrawn. My inner world feels very active, almost loud, but sometimes I forget that I'm surrounded by people and there's an expectation to talk. I'm finding difficult to talk. I was walking on the beach with some friends for over an hour, and at the end, one said, "Are you ok?" Then, the other said, "Yeah I don't think you've talked for the last hour." Oddly enough I didn't notice. I'd been having many conversations with myself, I don't think I had noticed the social obligation to speak to people outside of myself.
Right now I feel like I really only handle one on one interactions. I don't really desire being social. Often wanting friends in my life is of upmost importance to me, but that feeling is slipping away. It's like my whole life I've been concerned if I have a solid family, friends and now I am uninterested. I'm existing only in my own world. I don't know if I'm more connected to myself or my ruminations, but part of me feels that part of me has left the world I used to know.
I've been seriously considering getting a dog.
It's very hard to be both a patient and a provider in this town. I think if I want to be "sick" again I'm going to have to move out of town and take up professional patienthood in another state.
There is a fly in this room and I'd like to kill it.
For the first time since I starting dating, I'm single and the thought of being in a relationship actually repulses me. It's good. I just want to be left alone. Cannot deal with someone else's shit or who I become when I start dating- not someone I like.
I hope that one day I have a wife, a dog, some foster kids and I cook some wicked good meals. I hope I take in queer kids and my house is a revolving door with people I love. I hope I own a hottub.
Insurance has been a huge stressor. I have spent countless hours in the last year on the phone with insurance companies.
Last week, I could swallow anything without extreme heartburn- which I can only remember having one other time in my life. It got to the point where it was painful to swallow my own saliva. I went to the walk-in clinic. They told me I could go to the ER or wait till the morning. Pretty much every couple days my body malfunctions in some way- whether it's a huge rash, a fever, random swelling, terrible sore throats. Anyways, it was all very upsetting and I walk into therapy the next morning and the woman (new therapist) tells me that if my insurance ever takes several months to get sorted out she may not be able to afford to see me. I told her that my insurance situation is inherently confusing because no one else has such a unique situation (I have 3 insurances, left over from being on disability). I told her that it's likely there will be times that the insurance is slow but I can guarantee they'll cover. She said she's not sure if that can work. I just started sobbing and she agreed that system is broken, but I don't think she understands how bad it is for the therapeutic alliance if every week I'm wondering if the next week she won't get reimbursed and we'll have to stop.
I know that I could give up on therapy, but I don't know, it just...is tempting. It's familiar. It helps me feel grounded, sometimes. Or really alone and desperate because not even therapy can really help me sometimes.
I would like to make a fire and drop in papers with things that I'd like to let go of- a lot of it has to do with people I've dated- I get hung up on the ghosts of them. These are the things/people I'd like to let go-
I'd like to let go:
- that pockets will one day be my wife
-that liz is probably happy and I was the fucked up one
-that I will never be who I want to be
-THIS FUCKING FLY
-that pharmaceuticals fucked up my brain and I'll never be the same
- that i'll never have complete certainty about my gender but it's okay to make decisions around transition anyways
-that i don't have the family i want (except for my chosen family)
-the idea that i'm a bad person
